Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
