I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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