TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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