I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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