Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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