I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
