How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
