Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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