the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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