Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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