It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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