The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
