Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
