why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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