Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
