I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
