My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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