I would go down on you faster than GM stock
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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