I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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