Bisexual people are plain selfish.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
