That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
