i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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