She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
