my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
