I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Where is the hickey?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
