**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
