1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
