apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
