Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
