I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
