I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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