Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
