i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
