Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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