she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
