i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
