Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
