I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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