OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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