im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
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Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.