So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just sucked dick on a ferry