Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
