Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
