There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
