At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
