Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Randomize
