I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
