he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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