I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize