when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
