I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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