I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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