So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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