The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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