I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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