If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
